My mother

Tuesday 6 March

My cousin and my best friend asked me if I was going to talk to my parents about my operation. For the moment it’s not part of my plan. I don’t believe I’ll talk to them about it before the operation. I don’t want to and don’t have the strength for it. I don’t even know if I’ll one day raise the subject with them or how I’d approach it.

When I took the decision to have the operation, I really wanted to talk to my mother about it. One day, impulsively, I phoned with that intention. But in the end I didn’t bring the subject up. I didn’t know what to say exactly. I didn’t really want to ask her for an explanation. What could she say to make it better for me. That she had it done so I would find a husband? That she had it done to be accepted by her mother in law? That it was like that in our culture?

She is very fond of “we’ll see” [?] and she sticks to tradition as much as she can.

Ultimately I couldn’t care less about her reasons. The question of why doesn’t interest me. I’d prefer it if she would tell me what happened, the parts I can’t remember. I’d also like her to tell me about herself as a woman. For her to explain her life to me, her dreams, her hopes. What she felt when she married, had children. I don’t know my mother well. For example I ask myself if she was circumcised. And I realise I don’t know with any certainty. I think so but in the end I know nothing. She speaks about herself very little. She speaks very little about anything intimate either. It’s so hard to talk to her. When a subject makes her uneasy, she shuts up, doesn’t say anything and leaves the room. She will never come back to it. A few minutes later she comes to see me about something else as though nothing mattered. She knows about my therapy but she never speaks about it. How could I share with her what I am experiencing at the moment?

I hold it against her for not having wanted the best for me, for not having tried to shield me from a practice which she had suffered herself, for being happy to follow a tradition. I ask myself how she could really love me (because she says she loves me, she says I am her favourite daughter). I don’t understand. Nevertheless I don’t feel any anger towards her. Just plenty of sadness for myself.

I sadly miss any femininity from my mother. I’ve never noticed any of her femininity. I have never seen her being attractive or seductive with my father. My mother seems to me to be a wife and a mother before being a woman. So how can I develop my own femininity if I can’t learn by her example. Something else I’m trying to learn on my own. And it’s this sort of thing that discourages me. Learning all alone, journeying through life without the guidance of my mother.

I would like her to come towards me, to be interested in me without taking our differences as criticisms of what she is. I’d like her to support me, encourage me, to be there for me. Without me asking. I’m tired of making the first move. I’m tired and I feel all alone.

[original in French]

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