To everyone who has a secret …

Tuesday 24 April 2007

Once in a while it does no harm, so I’d like to tell you a story that I read three months ago approximately, through messages on a forum.

It’s the story of a young girl who had a secret which she wanted to tell to her lover. She was 15 years old and he was her first lover. And like all lovers, they thought, both of them, about what there was beyond the long kisses.

The young girl’s secret which she wanted to confess to her lover, was that when she was a baby, she was circumcised and infibulated. And, and even though she really wanted to, she wasn't able to discover what was beyond the long kisses.

She totally panicked at the thought of talking to him.

It’s true, he would perhaps be disgusted. Perhaps he wouldn’t understand. Perhaps he would leave her. Even if it wasn’t her fault.

She was ashamed, so ashamed, that she had never spoken to anyone, not even a doctor. It was the first time that she dared, on that forum, hidden behind a pseudonym.

She was completely disabled, totally traumatised by fear, in spite of all the encouraging messages.

She was driven to despair. He was going to leave her, that was certain, she wrote. Why would he stay with her? Why? While there were plenty of “normal” girls? No, it was sure and certain that he would leave her.

The people on the internet, on the forum, assured her that if he loved her, he would understand. He would insist that he loved her, he wouldn’t judge her. You’ll see, they promised, he won’t reject you. Or otherwise he wouldn’t be worth the trouble. It’s because he didn’t really love her.

She replied to them that yes, perhaps, but she herself, she loved him. She really loved him. And she would die if he rejected her.

In the end, she couldn’t tell him. Instead she wrote to him.

She didn’t post the letter. She went to put it in her lover’s letter box. And then she left, fast, fast.

She was totally anguished. She said, on the forum, she should never have done it. She thought it was all over. She was totally depressed.

And then a few days later, he came to see her. He too had written a letter. But he wanted to read it to her. In the letter, he said he loved her nevertheless, that he always loved her. He said that he would wait for her, accompany her, help her.

They decided to go to a gynaecologist. Both of them. In order one day to find out together what was there beyond the long kisses ….

Edit: infibulated means the outer lips, labia majora, are sewn together. All that is left is a small hole for urine and menstrual blood to pass [and sometimes barely enough for this].

[original in French]
Next post