Friday 11 May 2007
Finally I wrote to my parents to tell them I was going to have the operation. I needed them to know, both of them. It’s too big a step in my life. To let the operation pass in silence is like letting everything which has changed for me over the last months pass in silence. I need them to know who I am, that they know about the important event which the operation is for me.
Besides, I have this strange conviction that if I don’t speak to them BEFORE the operation, it will no longer be possible. I feel that afterwards I won’t talk about it. That would seem a bit like a confession and I have nothing to confess. I don’t want my reconstruction to be a secret that I will reveal to them one day after some years.
And also I’d like to break my habit of keeping them at a distance, I'd like to become a little closer to them.
I discussed this with my man and I decided to address the letter to both of them. I thought all day yesterday about what I was going to write. Nevertheless, when I set about it yesterday evening I had great difficulty in starting it, this letter.
I went round in circles for several hours, I started several drafts but I discarded them one after the other: I had the feeling I was justifying myself, looking for their approval, or even worse, minimising the importance of the operation for me.
So I thought about what I really wanted to say to them, in my letter, that is to say I loved them. And there, it came all by itself and I wrote my letter in one go, without any difficulty.
I am frankly happy with what I have written. In fact I have sent, perhaps for the first time, an adult letter to my parents.
I copied it out twice. I certainly wanted to address my words to both my parents at the same time, but I wanted each to receive a copy.
This morning, before going to work, I posted my letters. Normally they should arrive before 16 May.
At the time I felt happy, liberated. I even thought, “This time I have finished my preparations”.
But since then, I have become afraid of my father’s reaction. It’s ridiculous I know, but I can’t stop myself thinking that he is going to be terribly angry with me. As for my mother, I don’t think she will talk about it. But basically, his reaction matters little, here, this evening.
In spite of my fear, I have no regrets. The letters are posted and the die is cast.
[Original in French]