Monday, 27 November 2006

Seventh heaven alone

Tuesday 27 November 2007 (The first in this series of posts is here)

I knew that I couldn’t avoid it. I knew it!

Damn it!

This week, my therapist returned to one of Dr Foldès’ recommendations.

He said it was fundamental, well, all of us have a tendency to exaggeration. As a result I took it on board with a major reservation. I replaced “fundamental” with “will help things along”.

I have to say that as much as there are instructions which I can apply with zeal and concentration (applying cream to my clitoris every day, for example), as for that, I couldn’t. Total block. So, wisely, I set it aside.

With a bit of luck, it wouldn’t be useful. It’s true that at times things happen without intervention. That’s called magic.

I certainly felt that I was on slippery ground when I let my therapist know my slight disappointment about my operation. Don’t be mistaken, I’m very happy with the improvement I’ve noticed in my sexuality since the operation.

I’m already much more serene in my lovemaking, the horrible and heavy shadow left by the mutilation having disappeared. Love in the horizontal had acquired a light heartedness I hadn’t imagined possible.

On the physical side too, I felt very clearly the difference between before and after. I had no more pain or discomfort from my pleasurable parts, which have become richer in sensation.

In short, bedroom sport became much more pleasurable for me and I really have no complaint.

Having said that, at the risk of seeming a naïve perfectionist, I have to admit that, all the same, I was expecting something a bit more.. … overwhelming, a bit more intense.

I imagined nirvana, the intoxication of multiple orgasms, pleasure and joy from all stages, all without any special effort. I thought that all I had to do was wait patiently until my clitoris would invite itself to all these festivities of the senses.

So I told my therapist that I found it was taking quite a time all the same.


“What about the masturbation?” she asked my tranquilly.

What? Sorry? What?

In total collapse, on the point of being totally shocked, I restrained with great difficulty a stupid chuckle of embarrassment. And of course the question could be dismissed very quickly: I don’t masturbate.

“And why not?” she asked me, her eyes round with surprise.

Why? But… but I don’t know! I don’t masturbate, that’s all, that’s the way it is.

The subject appealed to me so little, I squirmed like a worm on my chair.

There are women for whom it is just the thing, who find it completely natural and who are totally at ease with the question. Well I’m not one of them, there it is.

No, madam, I don’t “stimulate” myself alone! I don’t want to be taken for a “frigid tight-ass” as one says (and I can’t help but think how this crude expression suits the situation we are addressing) but I said it straight: it’s not my cup of tea!

That doesn’t appeal to me at all. Even the word itself I find ugly and rather frightening. Masturbation (brrr!). That brings to my mind a man playing alone, and when it’s a woman, it seems it’s something to endure and which flirts with pornography pure and simple. You can therefore easily understand my reservation on the question. When I tried to visualise myself in full flow all alone, I am torn between dismay and ridicule.

So yes, it is well known that it’s the best way of knowing your body, of knowing what pleases you and what doesn’t, all that, all that. I know it and I don’t doubt it’s true. Well all the same I’ll happily miss my turn.

My therapist said that in the light of my newly recovered clitoris, I am like a little six-year-old who has discovered that she has a very agreeable organ which gives her some pleasant sensations. And that there is no other way to know the extent of the possibilities of this organ than masturbation. So there is luck and the magic of life, but I believe I understood that the probability of that happening was negligible as far as auto-eroticism was concerned.

“You need to take it step by step”, she said.

OK. For all that, I still wasn’t taken with the idea of fiddling with myself.

My therapist advised me to put the subject of masturbation to one side for the moment (Alleluia!) and just explore my clitoris with my fingers, as I did while I was healing. Not to find out if it was sensitive or painful but more to feel the reactions, change of shape, size, according to my state of mind.

She advised me to forget the sexual dimension, which suited me well. She also said not to force myself, to take it gently, from time to time.


Exploring, that already sounds easier than “masturbating” (brrr!). I have still not got to it, but it seems less insurmountable.

I didn’t reckon on my operation implying a change of my sexuality. I didn’t suspect that it would be necessary to be more active in my sexual life. Nevertheless, that’s what it is: becoming mistress of my sexuality and abandoning the easy passivity which it involved before the operation.

Hell, but this is going to be difficult!

[Original in French]


  1. :-) I understand that it's not going to be easy...
    But what a pity to have such a nice brand new little clitoris, just to leave it asleep, like a ring in its red velvet box :-) Go for it :-)

  2. i am a circumcised male.can my ridged band and penile size be replaced by this or a simmilar surgery?i would like a transplant or replacement of this organ like you much does this cost?please tell me about a doctor for this surgery.thank you.

  3. Please give Dr.Foldes my question.I want my circumcision reversed.Thank you again.

  4. Hi anonymous, is that your question above? If so, I'm so sorry I missed it.
    I'll ask for you but I am almost certain that Dr Foldes operates only on females.

    If that isn't your question, please email me on a.alapage {at} gmail {dot} com

  5. Yes,that was My question.I have read that female and male GC can be reversed.I am looking for a doctor that can do it,but everytime I contact one they have no idea how to do it.I know that the male and female sexual organs are analogous and would like to have this done.If a doctor can do it for a female maybe one can do it for a male.Can you help me find one ?
    Any doctor will do.

    Thank You for Your time.

  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  7. I was wondering if Papillion is still continuing to tell her story,It is 4:28 am now,and i have read all her blogs from start this whole night, and saddens me there is no more t read. I myself am circumcised, actually TYPE III.. i live in the states, wishing i could get this surgery, since i am married recently, and i have no pleasure whatsoever... it truly saddens me..

    I would love to continue to read papillion story, to find out if her libido has increased after surgery, if she can get aroused, and wet during intercourse... plzzz help me, i am only 19 ... sex is too painful for me, my vagina doesnt stretch, doesnt get wet, no stimulation watever my hubby does, fingering doesnt help.... it is all painful, cryingg pain, too painful... i feel less than a women, jealous of all the ladies that sorround me...

  8. It was very interesting reading this blog. It is nearly 5am in the morning and can't sleep from the emotion I felt whilst reading it. I too was mutilated at the tender age of 3. I knew that something was done but was not entirely sure how much was cut off. I got married and fell pregnant. I was asked if I was circumcised, if I was I was advised to go for an examination by a trained specialist midwive. I made an appointment and went there. Not expecting much, but ooh what was I wrong! Turned out that I was cut to a greater extend than I once initially thought, type II mutilation. I was in tears, so angry and upset. the one thing God gave to women was cut off!!

    thinking about it now, it does make sense. First time intercourse was very painfull, almost impossible. It took literally hours, mainly because I was terrified.

    I don't know if that operation would be benefecial to me. I'm quite terrified really. I had to be de-infibulated a couple of months b4 giving birth and it wasn't a nice experience. (Neither was given birth!!)

    To the lady who posted on 4th july 2010 05.36. Please buy some lubrication, what you're going through is not right. If you can't get wet, there are products out there that will help with that. I had that problem in the first couple of months of my pregnancy. Intercourse was too painfull for me. Some lube did the trick!

  9. hello sisters
    i am a 27yrs old Nigerian who was cut when i was a baby, my case is so bad that i dont have anything on the surface, every single part of my clitoris was shaved off.

    i cant enjoy sex with any man because i feel bruised and pains all thru,

    it was such a big relief to have read about this surgery, i am ready to sell every thing i own to go for this surgery.

    but i need to know from you lovely ladies who have gone for the surgery, what is the outcome? are u healing well? can u have an orgasm now? which doctor is better?

    i have vowed to help women go for this operation and create awareness if this works out, i am keeping my fingers crossed

  10. Thank you A. for translating papillon's blog for us.
    In appreciation Rosa....


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