Thursday, 13 July 2006

Small steps

Thursday 12 July 2007

The ice is breaking more and more between my clitoris and me.

Earlier, during the iodine era, there was a swab between us when we met. But now my personal hygiene puts me in direct contact with my precious organ, creating a new form of intimacy.

At first I was very intimidated. I barely touched it, very cautiously and holding my breath. It was returning from far away and above all I didn’t want to irritate it by persistently insisting that it reveal itself.

Then, as the days have been passing and I haven’t been suffering any rebuffs, I have become more familiar with it. So my timidity has given way to great curiosity. I study its shape, I explore the folds and recesses around it, I assess its size, I try to feel it “inside”, in brief, I wander around the area in complete liberty.

And it was a pleasure mixed with relief that I noticed after an exploration recently that my clitoris had decreased in size. I have been thinking it was enormous, to put it bluntly. And I found that was making me awfully worried. I was afraid it would stay like that, planted in my intimate area like an iceberg in a lake.

OK, I don’t want it to become really tiny, that would certainly bother me. The ideal in fact would be that it keeps its current size.

I don’t know if it’s the cream I am applying every morning or the Marseille soap, but it looks very different from last week. Not only is it smaller, but also it’s changing colour. From a bright pink it has changed into a very chic salmon pink. I imagine it will need only a few weeks to change into brown.

What’s more, now that it isn’t taking up all the room, I can FINALLY see my labia minora. I am reassured. I am downright delighted. They seem quite pretty, small though they are. And they soften the look of my sex I think.

So, as if on purpose, the stitches still haven’t gone. That worries me a bit, but Dr Foldès having spoken about “the following weeks” I will wait….

With the arrival of all this good news, and since we have the blessing of the surgeon, my man and I tried taking up some bedroom activities recently.

We started with a fanfare, happy to be finally making love again.

But although things went well, I felt more and more tense. I was frightened. Frightened of hurting my clitoris in the heat of action, frightened that my man would hurt me while caressing me, frightened of being hurt because of the stitches.

And of course, sure enough, I was more in pain than anything else. To the point of breaking up the festivities.

Those catastrophic capers gave me a terrible blow to my spirits. I was sad all the next day. Sad, disappointed and a bit discouraged too.

All that for that?!


My man consoled me by saying that we weren’t in any hurry and that I obviously need more time to become more confident, not to be worried about it being painful.

He is right I think. But, there is still a little disappointment in my heart.

I really thought I was ready.

OK, it’s true that I was dreading careless contact with my clitoris. I am afraid of feeling a sharp pain or something similarly horrible with any over-abrupt contact.

Nevertheless, it’s much less disagreeably sensitive. The day before yesterday I even risked wearing trousers. Wisely, I chose fairly large trousers, even too big for me, just to be comfortable. It wasn’t till the end of the day that I felt any difficulty.

For the moment I have returned to my darling skirts, but I found the trial promising.

My relationship with my clitoris and its vicinity is at only an early stage. I’m making a wish that my clitoris and I will end up by being as thick as thieves, and very soon…

[Original in French]

Next post


  1. I wrote my comment while you were writing your new post, so it's on the previous one!

  2. Great, you came back! You don't mind if we tutoyer?
    I answered your comment on the previous post. I gave you my email address. To discuss, to help if I can, and then of course to encourage you. To be sure that you see it I'll put it here too: papillonblog {at} gmail {dot} com.
    In effect my answer to your comment said that I know how difficult it is to speak to parents (I have been brought up short by the subject) and also not to worry about the gynaecologist. Most don't talk about it or mention it to the patient but without stressing the point. I said also that perhaps a woman gynaecologist would reassure you more than a man? What do you think?

  3. Malia=anonymous
    Thank you for answering quickly!
    Yes I'm going to go to a gynaecologist soon especially as I'm going into second year medicine so I mustn't be afraid of going to see a doctor! About my parents, I've an even bigger block because they weren't responsible for my circumcision, since I was adopted, so it's quite complicated. Otherwise do you think psychotherapy is necessarily useful for someone circumcised? or does it vary case by case?
    Your pseudonym is very spiritual, very full of imagery and double meaning!

  4. Hello
    That reminds me of resuming bedroom sport (as you put it) after, well after, my wife gave birth. I imagine giving birth is as traumatising as an operation for a vagina and a clitoris. Well we had simply (that's easily said) to wait, take our time. And my wife was enormously worried, saying it would never return. I believe in this situation the preliminaries are even more important than usually seems enough at the start of the resumption of sports.

  5. Starting with a fanfare!? What an idea for a "first" time :-)
    Right, hold on there Papillon! Soon there will only be pleasure. I can't get over the demands you make on your body. I understand that 7 weeks is a long time to wait, but all the same, a bit of restraint ;-) I'm joking, it's just that having followed your course, and being myself an extreme softie, I find you very courageous to throw yourself into sport like that. It didn't work this time, but take it gently and don't put yourself under pressure next time, OK :-)

    Malia, good luck, choose your gynaecologist carefully (myself I feel more comfortable with a woman), and as Papillon said, if he annoys you, you have to go elsewhere! And well done getting to your second year of medicine :-) I know what I'm talking about, I twice failed the exam, argh, awful!

  6. Saying to yourself that it's going to be painful = certain pain.
    I more or less agree with Vincent, the preliminaries are possibly essential... But your progress already seems exceptional, so don't despair, in my opinion it will be soon!!!
    On the other hand I can understand your impatience. But very soon it will be so delightful for you both that you won't even think about it any more! :-)

  7. Not only the preliminaries but simply the pleasure of touch. Perhaps there is no need for penetration for you both to have pleasure, no? Enjoy yourselves finding other solutions, the rest will come back like a flower at the right time. :-)

  8. Hello!
    Anna, I was almost inclined to suggest the reverse: as Dr Foldès said, Papillon should first familiarise herself with her clitoris alone - as you are doing Papillon! And the sensations are supposed to come little by little.

    On the other hand, because you will be missing it as a couple it's logical (side text "great the doctor said it was OK so let's go ;-) - I would say avoid it to start off.
    To be explicit, there are some positions where penetration will press less or rub less on the clitoris than others. That will let you get together while avoiding the fear of pain or causing pain (which can be a big obstacle).

    Malia, courage!
    Besides that made me think that the next time I visit my gynaecologist I can tell him to go and read your blog Papillon, if that's OK. Even non circumcised, if we talk to our gynaecologists that might make them aware of things they don't understand. What do you think?

  9. Oops NB again
    when I say "even non-circumcised" I'm not creating a clique, I mean it's so much simpler for non-circumcised women to bring up the subject with a gynaecologist without being involved, without fear of a rebuff, an unpleasant remark or a frankly insulting one(which is unpardonable, but that's another story!)

    So if you think that that can advance things in France, with the reception you receive and help available, by speaking to a gynaecologist, to the attack!!;-)

  10. Hello Papillon
    The transformation is long and painful to turn sweet, beautiful and victorious in the end. A personal and friendly victory.
    Mr FOLDES is a pioneer in your reconstruction and those of all the other victims.
    Thanks to him and to the anaesthetist.
    I am an anaesthetic nurse and so an assistant to Drs Snow, Icecube, DontGiveaDamn…
    Without them, the operation would have traumatised you a second time. Happily, anaesthesia exists. Those who practice it are on the road to extinction. This speciality doesn’t appeal to young medical students. It’s not a game of poker where you have to bluff with a mischievous expression, or a half smile. It’s a matter of putting you asleep and waking you. It seems so simple.
    Alas it’s far from that.
    It's very challenging practicing this profession, very stressful, very demanding. Like the surgeon when he repairs you with his hands. The anaesthetist has a consultation with you for two minutes to see you. That's true. Your face, your neck, your general silhouette, your veins,... are warning indicators or signs for the progress of the anaesthetic. He can't tell you compassionately that everything will go well, knowing that zero risk of accident doesn't exist. Eyes lowered, writing aren't signs of indifference but of concentration.
    An anaesthetist who has just lost his mother after a long illness, or his son after a motorcycle accident, will be on duty for a consultation, for an expert look, or to watch for a problem for an emergency cesarean, to resuscitate the mother or the baby.
    This anaesthetist is a human being who has weaknesses, pain, tiredness.. he won't tell you, he takes it upon himself and looks after you.
    The consultation lasted two minutes for you, ten minutes for another patient. He has seen ten patients while one other consultant will have seen only five patients. It is public service which is larger and larger and less and less recognised.
    Waking up is a matter of a miracle in the face of the shortage of nursing staff.
    I am subject to confidentiality but freely attacking anaesthetists makes me fly off my handle.
    I hope you continue well.
    A good angel who is at your disposal.

  11. Hi Papillon

    Yes, everything will come! It's becoming really interesting. That must be really moving to rediscover when you are 30 years old. In any case it's good that you take possession of your clitoris, it's yours, it's your body, so explore it. Nobody can do it better than you, and what's more afterwards you will be able to show the way to your man!
    In any case I am happy for you and it's really kind of you to share your intimacy with us.
    Take care of yourself.

  12. You're right Nono, you do need to show men the way. They try hard but the clitoris is most mysterious, in spite of experience. And they have difficulty in understanding that caresses in this area are never gentle enough ... yet it's not difficult to understand is it? Again and always, be more gentle :-)

  13. Papillon, I want to tell you, here again, to be more patient with yourself, you have had more than 30 years with a circumcised clitoris, so leave yourself some time to start again ;) It made me too think at first of similarities after giving birth and an episiotomy...Not only is it sensitive and painful, but the sensitivity and pain are increased by apprehension. And it's nothing compared with circumcision! So...Patience;) But while I understand you, I myself couldn't be patient for two pennies!

  14. Malia, I find that pretty. As for psychotherapy, I think that can always help. Myself I didn't go there specifically about my circumcision, but because I was experiencing a general malaise. Yet I discovered over time that the malaise was strongly tied to my circumcision. So I think it's worth going if you are circumcised, all the more that you must work out all sorts of things like anger felt towards your parents, sexual difficulties, etc.. The psychological support I received waiting for my operation and also after it was *very* beneficial to me, there's no shadow of a doubt about that. To sum up, that was only me but I am convinced of the usefulness of psychotherapy.

    I don't have children yet, Vincent, but I actually think giving birth leaves a trauma similar to an operation on the clitoris on the intimacy of a woman. I think you are right that you should go there gently. It's also my man's opinion: do things little by little...

    What do you want Elté, galvanised by Dr Foldès' permission (you guessed right Moira), we happily got straight to the point. I imagined everything would proceed swimmingly, incredibly naive as I am. It's sad to say, but in spite of my man's declarations that he would wait as long as necessary, I felt a bit guilty about the abstinence I imposed on him. I'm not going there any more, I absolutely don't like pain. I am going to be a bit less demanding on my body before taking up the fanfare again.

    Of course Mlle Crapaud, being apprehensive is the best way of making it painful. That froze the two of us, and I think that instead of taking the motorway directly at full tilt, we are going to try smaller and quieter roads, until I am completely reassured :)

    To take up our frolics gently, without forcing things will certainly help Anna! I believe you are right and love must become a pleasant game again.

    Moira, I think my anxiety will decrease and disappear as I become totally at ease with my clitoris. I thought it was all a question of position and that skipping the tactile preliminaries in the region of my clitoris (and solely there, right, not ALL the preliminaries at all) and to go straight for penetration would be a good solution. But the mix of bodies means there is always a risk of collision with my clitoris on the way to being healed, and as a result I was tense. So I'm going to wait a little more so that the fear of pain occurring at the least caress fades away...

    NB: your comments aren't so long you know (so you can relax in peace, I don't want you to censor yourself, there's room :))

    NB2: About giving my blog address to your gynaecologist, I have no problem. It's going to make me babble, but still:)
    More seriously, imagine that you speak to him about it and he finds out about it and learns that a reconstruction is possible. If one of his next patients is a circumcised woman, he may speak to her about it. If only for this possibility I think it's worth it!

    Dear guardian angel, far from challenging anaesthesia. I asked myself about the question (I was regretting not "being there" during my operation) and from my thoughts it emerged that it was without doubt good for me to have a general anaesthetic. A large part of the psychological trauma from circumcision comes from the fact that it done while conscious. So you can well imagine that I am not going to militate against anaesthesia. On the contrary, in view of my feeble resistance to pain, I am very happy that it exists and that there are (still) specialists who practice this discipline. It wasn't the profession I was criticising here, but a man. Who happened to be an anaesthetist but could have been the surgeon or the nurse who met me on my arrival at the clinic. I found this man cold and distant. And that annoyed me. There are surely warm-hearted anaesthetists, as there are no doubt surgeons and gynaecologists who are cold as ice. Equally, there are no doubt patients who are relieved that the consultation lasts only two minutes, as there are no doubt others who aren't reassured after a quarter of an hour. I am not generalising, dear guardian angel, and I am not attacking all anaesthetists gratuitously. I'm talking about what I felt when I met that man, that day, and at that time.

    Hi Nono! I don't think I've had enough of a setback to make this resumption of bedroom gymnastics seem like a second first time. I can't wait till I'm used to my clitoris, I too think it will become more and more interesting :)

    And you can count on me to explain to my man how my clitoris is getting on (besides he asks for explanations)as soon as I have it under control, Nono and Elté.

    It's true Claude, after so much time I have only a few days more. But I admit that I am keen to rediscover love after the operation. Still, I think I'm going to hold back and approach gently once my clitoris is less unpleasantly sensitive. Any way, my darling wants to wait a bit longer (the idea of hurting me bothers him too).

  15. I've just found this blog. Hat's off!
    An interesting link for world news but always centred on circumcison!


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