Two days before the consultation

Wednesday 28 February 2007

Original in French here

The day after tomorrow, I’m going to see Dr Foldès. I am scared and I can’t stop hoping.

I don’t doubt that my circumcision will be “repaired”. I’m not expecting him to say “No, young lady, I’m sorry but I can do nothing for you”. During one interview, he said that all types of circumcision can be “repaired”. I haven’t suffered the most extreme form of circumcision. If I refer to the descriptions which you can find on the net, I have suffered Type II, also called clitoridectomy (total removal of the clitoris and labia minora). My cousin who suffered the same thing said “you’ve been lucky”. Certainly compared with the sort of circumcision called pharaonic circumcision (with infibulation which leaves only a small hole for the passage of urine and menstrual blood) I have been lucky. But I have difficulty associating the words luck and circumcision.

What makes me afraid is, what if it doesn’t change anything? Recently I read on a blog the comments of a woman who had been operated on and who said she still felt circumcised “in her mind”. What if that happens to me too? If after having hoped to be physically better, this operation doesn’t bring me this confidence and serenity which I have been looking for, for so long in spite of my therapy?

And then there is the sexual aspect to the question. I would like to feel more desire and more pleasure. I would like to know what it is like to have an orgasm. And there too I am frightened. What if my refound clitoris doesn’t give me the feelings I want like so many other women?

I’m also frightened of finding a cold and distant man who will hurry through the consultation in a few minutes, not interested in me as a person. I need him really to see me, to understand the importance to me of this step. I had my cousin on the phone the day before yesterday. I wanted to speak to her about this consultation but she didn’t seem as interested by the question as she was in the month of January. Today I have had the feeling of being alone on this path.

And I am afraid of taking one more step, all my hopes in a wild dream.

When I allow myself to dream and to hope, I imagine the joy: the joy of no longer feeling this scar which blocks my sex, the joy of feeling a complete woman, the joy of enjoying myself. Will I feel more feminine than I do now? I’ve read reports of women who have had the operation who say they are more fulfilled. But I don’t know what that means: “more fulfilled”. Do they have more self-confidence? Do they like themselves better? Are they less hard on themselves? Are they happier? Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone among you passes this way, could you explain to me?

[Original in French]

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