Monday 26 March 2007
This week-end. I had lunch with all my family at my parents’ home. I have real difficulty in explaining my emotions and feelings with regard to this lunch because it didn’t seem real to me (like my daily life moreover). I don’t have any better word: I had the impression that it wasn’t real, like a “shifting” of reality.
Of course, I was worried during the morning. Of course I was a bit stressed before the meal. But if things became relaxed during the course of lunch and the chattering about anything and nothing, I had the curious feeling that I didn’t recognise my parents. Either my father or mother, I had the feeling of not having seen them for a long time, of not knowing them any more. Perhaps I noticed how little intimacy we have?
I saw my father in deep discussion with my sister, my mother exchanging recipes with my cousin, my brothers-in-law who were joking in a corner with my man. And me, I felt good ( I wasn’t feeling afraid) but a stranger in my family. That was really strange.
I didn’t bring up the subject of my operation with my mother or with my sister. Nevertheless, I thought several times during the week about talking to them about it on this occasion, with a lively voice and eye to eye. But then, it seemed to me out of place, I no longer saw any interest in it (What’s more I still don’t see it).
I still felt “detached” from my family, but it was so obvious how l wasn’t close to them. I wondered how that happened. Is it something that’s come only from me? Why is my sister so intimate with them (at least so it seems) while there is some sort of transparent wall between them and me, a wall which prevents any deep discussion? Is it too late to set up a different relationship? Am I the only one who wants it? I don’t know. I have to say I am a bit lost here.
When my parents try to get closer to me by asking for my news, being interested in my life, I evade them, I chat but don’t talk to them about what is close to my heart, as if they couldn’t understand. As though that would do no good. I can’t confide in them or surrender to them. It’s silly because fundamentally I don’t rely on them.
It’s weird this break between us. It was always there, I know that well, nevertheless I had the feeling I only realised it on Saturday.