Friday 29 June 2007
On Wednesday it was six weeks since I had the operation. The time has come for a little assessment.
My period of post-operative suffering is over. In the end it lasted about a fortnight. Then for two or three weeks there were gnawing pains and serious discomfort when I stood up for too long, admittedly a diffuse pain but definitely present if I really overdid it. But still, it happened only once or twice (I quickly learn how to take it easy when the alternative implies suffering). Lastly there was the awful time while my hair was growing back. I so much wanted to scratch myself for about a week.
But now, the war of the physical pain is over. Strangely I have almost forgotten what it was like.
My clitoris is still quite pink.
On the other hand, all the area around has returned to a normal colour. The swelling has gone down in all that area and is no longer sensitive.
Talking of sensitivity, contrary to what I thought, I still don’t feel my “interior” clitoris. It no longer hurts, I can feel it “outside” when I cross my legs, but that’s all for now. I’m being patient, being patient.
I’m continuing with the personal hygiene using dilute iodine. The most often was 4 times a day but more and more often I’ve been forgetting the afternoon session so reducing myself to 3 washes.
Normally this treatment would be modified next week. I have an appointment with Dr Foldès and he said to me that he would prescribe a cream to perfect the healing. I hope there won’t be any more of these intimate ablutions to do because I’ve had enough of them.
The stiches haven’t yet dissolved. They are going to become embedded in my flesh if this continues, I’m sure of it.
The other great annoyance that I’m experiencing, is that I still can’t distinguish my labia minora. It may be it’s because I’m hopeless at female anatomy (but I have done my research) or perhaps there is a problem and they are still too swollen. As a result the skin is stretched, they merge with the labia majora and so I can’t see them. Anyway, that’s the theory I worked out this morning. Verdict next week.
I’ve regained my gait. I’ll even go so far as to say it’s more feminine, seeing that wearing skirts makes me wiggle my bottom. In reality I like it more and more, walking around in a skirt or dress. I am becoming more and more used to the sight of my legs (their prettiness depends on your point of view. From my direction they are just OK, my legs after all). I’ll almost go so far as to say I like my silhouette in a skirt…
Still, if I’ve regained my cruising speed, I still can’t really run. I daren’t go all out and I content myself with trotting carefully. Even in the pouring rain. That’s to say that it’s at that point I’m afraid of hurting myself. One day I’m going to have to launch myself, but for the moment I’m scared stiff.
I have highs and lows. Neither euphoria nor deep depression but my problems with my parents have left their mark. I haven’t spoken to them for 3 weeks and I don’t at all feel I want to. It’s as though I’m indifferent. I need to put some distance between us. But I don’t know for how long or what will happen in the end. From the point of view of my therapy too, I’ve put my parents to one side. I need time to assimilate what happened on the last occasions. At the moment I’m working on the myths which I have built to maintain my self-esteem. I’m at a stage where I no longer need these props and I need to get rid of them. It’s ridiculously hard I’m finding. Because I’m afraid of what will happen when I have to move on without these crutches. It’s like when you remove the little wheels from the back of a child’s cycle…
In retrospect, I realise the invaluable help given by the opportunity to put my feelings into words. With my therapist of course. And also here on this blog. I really believe I would have poisoned myself by not expressing things I have undergone in the past and still now…
I worry more and more about taking up, very soon I hope, my sexual life again. We miss it, my man and I.
But I’m really afraid that the jumbling of bodies will hurt me. Already rubbing against my clitoris makes me freeze in terror. Seeing the effect my poor jeans had on me , I dare not imagine what the skin and movements of my love could cause by way of pain. In fact, for now, I associate all contact with my clitoris with the idea of intense pain.
At the worst, I’m less afraid of penetration because there are positions which allow there not to be any rubbing against my clitoris. But I fear even that a lot.
I believe, besides, I need a green light from Dr Foldès before starting off. I want to be sure that I run no medical risk. I don’t want any complications or I don’t know what else unpleasant which I would be able to avoid by not romping about wildly.
Physical shape: 6/10
I don’t know if it’s linked but I’m exhausted. Frankly worn out. It’s simple, I’m dragging myself about. It’s as if, after a sustained tension, I have relaxed and I’m visibly affected. I’m sleepy all the time and I fall asleep as soon as I lie down. Can’t wait for the holidays ….
I am the first to be astonished but I miss my sessions (sporadic I admit) at the swimming pool, or out jogging.
Nevertheless I’m waiting to see Dr Foldès before taking up my activities again. I don’t want to return to the pool and catch something awful which requires me to undergo treatment for yet more weeks.
It’s useless, I know, I know.
I think that before the operation, I was so frightened the smoking could harm my reconstruction (it could hinder the healing) that I watched my step.
Now that I’ve had the operation and I’m not dead on the table, I no longer have the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head.
So on special occasions I’ve smoked one or two cigarettes, stupidly, in the joy of the moment.
Then, I bought a packet all of which I smoked.
It’s not good at all, I know, I know.
I am very contrite. I assure you I would beat myself except that I have this little problem of pain intolerance. I am ashamed. And even more so since the disappointed look thrown to me by my man when he caught me in the act.
I’ve been on patches again for several days, I don’t want to fall into this addiction again.
Especially as I wonder if it doesn’t explain the fact that I am still not completely healed after the expected six weeks.
[Original in French]