Monday 12 March 2007
Since the consultation I haven’t wanted to speak to my parents. I haven’t managed to analyse my feelings, but I didn’t want to speak to them. For two weeks I have avoided them. My father rang me at work but I cut the conversation short. In fact I found it bizarre to say “I’m fine ...No, nothing much to report...And you?” although I am seeing such important changes at the moment. Nevertheless I didn’t want to speak to my parents about my operation, to confide in them. But nor do I want to lie to them. Dilemma. Yesterday afternoon I phoned my mother. I had to speak to her about a family lunch which is taking place in two weeks. And I found the conversation pleasant. In fact I felt in a different position, as if I were her equal somehow and no longer her little girl. I felt adult and I didn’t lie. I didn’t talk about my operation but nor did I pretend there was nothing else in my life. I had the odd feeling of being able to speak freely without walking on eggshells. And talking about trivial things (but won’t there be too much to eat?”) did me good.
What is curious is that I have the feeling that it is my father from whom I am most remote at the moment. I believe my feelings concerning him are even more mixed up.
We’ll see what happens when I see the two of them in two weeks time.
[original in French]