Thursday 15 March 2007
I’ve noticed recently that my fear has lessened.
I’m no longer afraid that Dr Foldès will die. Or rather, I am “fatalist” and I’ve decided not to worry needlessly. We’ll see if he is still alive on 16 May, if not I will let you know. I’m no longer afraid of the operation itself. I find that fundamental and the question of knowing whether or not it will change anything in my life seems to me to be illogical because I am convinced that yes, it will change my life. How and at which point I don’t know but in a beneficial way I am convinced of it.
Already the preparation for the operation has been nothing but beneficial. I have stopped smoking. But there is something more important: I am more respectful and kinder towards myself. Not always, but more and more. I notice my moods more but I don’t judge them. I have the odd impression of being “more intimate with myself” which I have never had before, of living a bit more in my own rhythm.
At the same time, I am aware of preventing myself from being happy for any length of time, as that will bring only unhappiness. It’s as though I have been under a perverse spell which can transform a potential source of happiness into misfortune. For the moment I’ve found the only means of protection from this curse is to minimise the enjoyment I experience and to urge myself not to rest on the laurels of reassurance and hope. I’m keeping my armour and weapons because I am sure I’ll need to confront new misfortunes, again and again.
It’s a pity to spoil my happiness with this attention and anxiety all the time. It’s a pity to be keeping myself in fear. I have the feeling that I am passing by the very essence of life. And I want to rid myself of this conviction that, as far as I am concerned, “all good things will be paid for one way or another”. This conviction hurts me all the more as I have the impression that it's that way for me and not for others.
The day that I get there will signify that I will have regained a very important part of me which was removed at the same time as my clitoris: the possibility of believing in a shining future for myself. The possibility that good things can happen to me without my having to sacrifice anything in exchange. Yes, on that day I will be able to lay down my arms and stop fighting the shadows which my circumcision has thrown over my life. On that day I will have overcome my circumcision.
[original in French]