Thursday 15 March 2007
I’ve noticed recently that my fear has lessened.
I’m no longer afraid that Dr Foldès will die. Or rather, I am “fatalist” and I’ve decided not to worry needlessly. We’ll see if he is still alive on 16 May, if not I will let you know. I’m no longer afraid of the operation itself. I find that fundamental and the question of knowing whether or not it will change anything in my life seems to me to be illogical because I am convinced that yes, it will change my life. How and at which point I don’t know but in a beneficial way I am convinced of it.
Already the preparation for the operation has been nothing but beneficial. I have stopped smoking. But there is something more important: I am more respectful and kinder towards myself. Not always, but more and more. I notice my moods more but I don’t judge them. I have the odd impression of being “more intimate with myself” which I have never had before, of living a bit more in my own rhythm.
At the same time, I am aware of preventing myself from being happy for any length of time, as that will bring only unhappiness. It’s as though I have been under a perverse spell which can transform a potential source of happiness into misfortune. For the moment I’ve found the only means of protection from this curse is to minimise the enjoyment I experience and to urge myself not to rest on the laurels of reassurance and hope. I’m keeping my armour and weapons because I am sure I’ll need to confront new misfortunes, again and again.
It’s a pity to spoil my happiness with this attention and anxiety all the time. It’s a pity to be keeping myself in fear. I have the feeling that I am passing by the very essence of life. And I want to rid myself of this conviction that, as far as I am concerned, “all good things will be paid for one way or another”. This conviction hurts me all the more as I have the impression that it's that way for me and not for others.
The day that I get there will signify that I will have regained a very important part of me which was removed at the same time as my clitoris: the possibility of believing in a shining future for myself. The possibility that good things can happen to me without my having to sacrifice anything in exchange. Yes, on that day I will be able to lay down my arms and stop fighting the shadows which my circumcision has thrown over my life. On that day I will have overcome my circumcision.
[original in French]
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I want to rid myself of this conviction that, as far as I am concerned, “all good things will be paid for one way or another”.
ReplyDeleteThis sentence called out to me. I have the same struggle, in fact I divert myself with activity, by being multi-occupied with little time for thinking and questioning myself, that's all I've found as a strategy that suits me. I hope you will succeed in ridding yourself of it, it's a very burdensome way to live, it makes for a sacrificial mind where pain is necessary in the end. And besides I am sure that it's possible to live another way. Good luck! ;o)
16 March 2003
As you say, it's the necessity of pain which is horrible to endure in my way of fearing life. I'm looking for another means of living feeling safe without this need. I hope you too will find another way to live without needing to battle. Good luck to you too Emelire.
ReplyDelete16 March 2007
Hello
ReplyDeleteIt was surfing without any real object that I came across your blog by chance. Your messages have touched me very much. I recognise myself in some of your sentiments.
I too was circumcised at the age of 7 and I was operated on by Dr Foldès in September 2006. My life has changed since.
I just wanted to say good luck for everything. It will all go well.
If you need to ask me a particular question, don't hesitate, mention it in your next message. I will be back to read it and answer your question(s).
17 March 2007
Thank you for your message Martine. Actually I do have questions to ask you, I will include them in my next message. See you soon I hope.
ReplyDelete19 March 2007