Saturday 17 March 2007
I had an excellent Saturday. Nevertheless it wasn’t won: I had to get up early for my monthly session of group therapy and I absolutely didn’t want to go there and spend the day listening to the progress of others and staying silent about what is happening to me.
The problem was should I talk of about my circumcision, and so I could work on the questions relating to it which bother me at the moment (like for example this inability to be happy for any length of time, or my belief that my life will be nothing but a series of obstacles to overcome), or should I not talk about it which would save me from having to talk about something difficult and intimate, but then my effort would be deceptive because the basis of my anxieties wouldn’t be known.
I knew I wouldn’t be able not to talk about it to them. First of all for myself, out of respect for myself and in order to be able to continue with my group therapy. Then too for them, whom I told in January that something had terrible happened to me when I was young. It wasn’t right not to tell them what it was about and leave them all to imagine everything and anything.
Only I didn’t know how to approach the subject, how to tell them. Until the moment I spoke, I had still not decided if I was going to tell them about it. Especially as the whole group wasn’t there (3 people were missing) and OK, while throwing myself into the water, this would be the one and only time.
And then I opened my mouth. And in spite of my fear, in spite of my indecision, I told them everything that had happened since the January session. The words simply came from me and even though I felt close to tears at several points, I didn’t have to force myself to tell them.
I wasn’t at all ashamed. I didn’t feel uncomfortable either. I looked all of them in the eyes, one after another. I found that silly, because it wasn’t difficult for me. It did me good. I was really happy, truly delighted and I told them so.
They seemed moved and thanked me for having confiding in them. Some of them said that they would be thinking of me on 16 May and that they were sure everything would go well for me.
I am very proud of what I did on Saturday. I am very proud of myself and I believe, at this moment I am writing, that on Saturday, in talking about my circumcision and my future operation, I have forgiven myself a little for having been circumcised.
[original in French]